Hey! Authenticity! It’s your time! Come on, let’s go!
As a dear friend of mine put it, it’s about time we got authentic, have you seen all the reality TV? Damn is she right…and to be honest, I can’t tell if I’m excited about that or not. Here’s why: Duh, authenticity is king in my book, as it should be for all of us, right? But what does that actually mean? And how do we actually be it? If authenticity means to be true to yourself by being exactly who you are and to live in your own truth, the first thing I think is Oh man, but what if they all think I’m a big weirdo?! And therein lies the fear.
As far back as I can remember, I have always felt a little weird. I liked my hair short, I wore baggy clothes, I loved shopping at Savers (which I guess is cool now, lol), and was always pretty sensitive even if no one knew it (or hell, maybe they did). Then I got to high school, and realized wearing the beat up Vans and baggy jeans we no longer cool, and I wanted to “fit in”...so, I dyed my hair blonde, wore clothes from Guess and Abercrombie, starved myself so I could fit into said clothes and started wearing wedges (it was the late 90s, you know?). Guess what? People saw me. Boys liked me (albeit questionable on why), and I got invited to more parties. I wasn’t the goofy kid anymore, I was kinda hot..and so terribly uncomfortable in my own skin. I lived like this for many years and still kinda do…So, I’m scared to be fully authentic.
So, now’s the time, right? And to say I haven’t been authentic at all is being dramatic. I try to show up as real as possible as much as possible, but find that I get pulled away from her. I feel the pressure of looking a certain way (eh heh…Bey’s Cozy to the rescue), acting a certain way, being a certain way. Even though the goal is to be as true to myself as possible, I also have to be honest how hard that is and how intentional I need to be to make that a reality. Maybe it comes with age, the protesting of reality TV, seeing my teens live in their truth, or purely from within to get a break from it all. Regardless of where I find my motivation, I will keep trying and holding myself accountable for what’s real and what’s not and learning to love that weirdo side of me.