Let’s talk about grief…even though it’s supposed to be the “happiest time of year”

I hate to do this to you all, but man is grief calling me to talk about it. Over the last two months, there has been so much loss surrounding myself and people I know, and as a reminder, I think it's important to remember what grief is. Grief is loss, really of any kind even though we often think of someone dying. Loss, of any kind, is hard, and I wanted to come here to remind us of how we manage this. I am sure you have all heard that grief comes in 5 stages (that’s how I see it, I know some say there are 6 or 7 stages, I like to stick to the 5…no shade to the 6 and 7’s out there), which we’ll talk about, but what we sometimes don’t know is the pattern and even the understanding of the 5 stages. So, in an attempt to help us understand, here is what this can look like…in any given order, some are longer stages and some barely come up. 

Denial: It’s not a river in Egypt…here is what denial is: It means pretending this “thing” didn’t happen. Like maybe if we just don’t talk about him then we don’t have to remember that he was once here with us. This can look like avoiding people, conversations, places, because of the conscious or unconscious fear of having to feel pain (remember as human beings, we are always trying to avoid pain, because pain is a threat to our survival) If we avoid pain, we may avoid the feeling of loss. Denial is normal - when you go to pick up your phone to text your friend you lost and remember he’s no longer there, you’re going through grief. Instead of shaming yourself, say oh man, I really miss him. I hate that he is no longer here. 

Anger: This might come next or this might come first. In my personal experience with grief, this mf-er is always #1. It’s not a hard one to figure out. We’re pissed. I could go on and on about anger but I'll keep it simple. I like to call it an umbrella emotion. What I mean by that is the anger (the umbrella) is protecting you from something more painful. Which in this case, the feeling of sadness when we experience a loss. We are scared, so we use the power of anger to “protect” us from the pain and sadness we are about to feel. As we enter into the next stage, we have a gentle landing to feeling that’s where we wait to bargain…

Bargaining: No, not like telling your parents you’ll do chores for a year if you get a new dog…Well, actually that is exactly what that is like. We are realizing we’re sad, we’re a little scared to fully feel it, so we look for a way to “control” this pain we are about to embark on. When we lose someone, we want some sort of understanding. Tapping into our human nature of trying to help us understand the world around us. We can feel helpless and maybe talking to God or going to the land of what ifs gives us a sense of gaining control. If only I called her more, maybe she would still be here is what that might look like. You’re being a human, you’re trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. 

Then, we get depressed: We allow the sadness to set in. Depression in grief is like depression in other ways…we feel that pit in our stomach, lump in our throats, emptiness, hopelessness, numbness and like we’re not even in reality. You can see why some people might dance between denial, anger, and bargaining for years…Depression is a nightmare, so people avoid it. Who am I to blame, it’s the worst one in my opinion. But, you must go through it, name it and experience it. This is where we need our people, to hold us when we feel like we can no longer stand or to push us when we can’t get out of bed. We must have lots of love and support when we land here so we can learn to accept. 

Acceptance: Peace in this new reality. I remind people “acceptance” does not mean you are no longer in pain, acceptance means you know you must now live with this loss. I am sorry it is not rainbows and butterflies, but grief sucks and this is what it is. I know for me when I accepted that I will always have a little pang in my heart for the ones I’ve lost and am still able to move through life, I have gone through the grieving process. But wait, there is more:

The grief cycle never totally ends… hear me out and don’t freak out. We never forget the ones we have loved and lost, but to understand why their loss impacts us emotionally the way it does helps us understand a new way of life. Every anniversary, holiday, experience will bring this person up…and you’ll likely go through the grief cycle again, but if you know the stages and what is happening, you can name it, have some self compassion, find your people, and land in peace again. We must accept it as a new part of us, and trust the process.