Listening to the white noise
This past month has been a challenge. The type that causes a pit in my stomach and makes me feel like I am in physical pain, challenge. I hate it. I mostly hate it because I am a therapist and I am supposed to have really great coping skills, and I do! Yet, it’s almost like I feel powerless to the anxiety I have been feeling. Like fire running from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, or a weight that feels like 100 lbs on my chest, or a tightness in my belly that makes me not want to eat anxiety. Like wtf, nothing should rock me this hard. So, in true therapist fashion, I thought, welp, I guess I gotta do something about it!
So, I started to dig deep. Like really really really deep but I needed a little assistance to get there, and what I used was music. I gravitated towards love songs, the premade Classic Love Songs playlist on Apple called to me (don’t come for me music lovers, I needed to grab something easy). These songs ranged from current bops to Sam Cooke and it was like every single one of them ripped into my soul causing me to sob, laugh, dance, and feel peace. I was like whhaaaaattt is happening, lol! I knew something had awakened inside of me. But what?
I have been calling it the “white noise” in my heart. The part of me that is always playing, at a very low frequency but contained a message that was making life a little harder for me. My white noise was telling me I was scared. And even though I could “do all the coping skills” I’m not sure I ever really targeted this low frequency, barely there message that said, “You’re scared.” Once I realized “I’m scared” was the underlying driver of my behavior I was like, eureka! No longer will that message have control over the way I act. As a side note, I could go on and on about “behavior” because it’s not all bad like yelling, or crying. Sometimes my behavior being driven by “I’m scared” was being quiet, putting on a smile, pleasing people, or staying busy. I realized it was hard to be in true alignment with my body, because the white noise always kinda made me feel insecure.
BUT, (insert the meme of the lady pointing a finger to the sky) not anymore! Now that I know this, and it lives inside me, I can decide how I want to respond. Like if I get that pit in my stomach, I say, “Oh, I’m scared, and ok Kelly, what do you need to not feel scared?” and that has changed the way I respond in all of my interactions. Starting with the way I talk to myself. I am more mindful of pleasing people, I am more in check with irrational responses, I am safer in my own body and let me tell you, the empowerment I feel is like chef’s kiss!
So the lesson here folks is that I think we’re all a little scared. We want to be accepted, loved, safe and secure. Sometimes, when the white noise is operating from a place of fear it can drive the way we show up. For some, it’s to people please, for others it might be to isolate or get angry. Either way ask yourself, how are you responding to your inner white noise? And how’s that working out for you?