Oh, come on Jonah…or should I say Stutz?
Jonah Hill, Andreas Rentz/Getty Images
I kid I kid…Kinda. In case you need to get caught up, Jonah Hill, the movie star, is in hot water because of texts he allegedly sent to his ex-girlfriend while they were together. Some are saying that he is manipulating “therapy speak” ** as a way of controlling his partner.
In 2022, Jonah released a documentary that follows the life of his therapist, Stutz, and throughout the movie gets personal about his own therapeutic journey. So we know the guy goes to therapy and from the sounds of it, takes it seriously. In fact, most people do. It takes time and money to commit to the therapy process, and people are there because they want to have a healthier life. I’m certain Jonah was there to do the same.
Here’s why I blame Stutz. Just kidding y’all! I would never blame the therapist (wink wink) but I do think as therapists we have a job to make sure people truly understand the concepts we are teaching our clients. For example, what are boundaries and how do we use them? So, That is why I am here to remind you!
Boundaries are rules that one puts in place in order to make themselves feel safe either physically and/or emotionally. Boundaries are not meant to control outcomes.
So, let’s take one of Jonah’s texts in question. He says: “If you need to post pictures of yourself in a bathing suit…I am not the right partner for you. If these things bring you to a place of happiness I support it and there will be no hard feelings. These are my boundaries for a romantic partnership.”
Ugh, so close Jonah! I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re trying…but there is a key part that takes this from boundary setting to controlling behavior…and it’s the use of the word YOU, rather than expressing how Jonah feels.
Remember: boundaries are not meant to control outcomes. Boundaries are communicating what you are feeling and the rules you need to set to make yourself feel safe.
If Jonah would have said: I feel insecure when you post pictures in a bathing suit, it allows for his girlfriend to hear how he feels, which can open up the conversation to work through it together, as a couple. Instead, he told her what to do. Not only does she not know how he feels, she is shut down from having her own feelings thereby closing the door to conversation…leaving her to feel powerless (or controlled).
So, let’s all learn a lesson from Jonah, and no, it’s not that quaaludes are awesome (shout out to The Wolf of Wall Street, lol)...It’s that when you want to set a boundary, think about how something makes you feel. Like, I feel insecure, I feel scared, I feel alone, I feel violated, I feel anxious. Then ask yourself, what do I need to do to feel better? Sometimes that’ll mean working through issues on your own, sometimes that’ll mean distancing yourself from someone, sometimes that’ll mean getting vulnerable with your deepest emotions to have a conversation… just to name a few solutions.
When used correctly, setting boundaries has the potential to create deep and meaningful connections with others. Expressing your most vulnerable emotions with someone you trust builds a deeper understanding of one another's needs. So, with that, set all the boundaries but do it correctly for God’s sake!
**Terms that therapists use to help people understand certain concepts about building healthy relationships
***Also, I have no idea about Jonah’s whole self. I am just taking this hot topic and trying to spread the word on how we can use boundaries to our benefit and not to be an a*hole